Tooth Destroyer

After getting braces, I went to the office, and there was a big bowl of Star Wars candy. Grabbing a handful, I remembered what my orthodontist said, then sadly put back the ones that were Chewey...

Pound Sand

My rental truck broke down in the Sahara Desert. My truck and I were finally rescued by some locals. Thank goodness for camel tows!

Gross...

Harvey Weinstein, Bill O'Reilly, Matt Lauer, and Charlie Rose were all sitting around the campfire, reminissing.


Their stories were touching.

My Kinda Pi

Why does the math teacher always order the 2 x 2 breakfast?

Because it is a whole sum meal....

This Joke Stinks

What's the difference between a boot camp drill sergeant and someone who never changes their underwear?

One has privates in their ranks, the other has rank in their privates....

Trash Talk

Did you hear about the garbage bag that broke because its contents were too heavy?

I guess that was a bad one-liner....

Little Billy was learning about his family genealogy. He had conjoined twins for his first cousins. They eventually had a successful separation surgery, so Billy asked if he now had a second cousin once removed?

Close Cut!

I went to one of those hair cutting shops that serves beer.. I wound up getting buzzed...

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Arg Matey These Prices Are High!

Why did the captain with the pegleg always pay full retail?

Because he wasn't a whole sailor!

Help for the Homeless

The city of Portland is earmarking a one million dollar project to provide resources for the homeless.. great news! The tough part for the web presence.. should they leverage SOAP or REST?

Jacob, John and Josh agree!

I met some nice folks who just so happened to be conjoined triplets. We had a great conversation, but it was odd how they kept referring to themselves in the third person.

Buzz Kill....

Every time I steal honey I break into hives...

Dude, I'm Cooked!

Interesting tidbit about prep cooks: Both when gainfully employed, or begging for money on the street, income is derived from panhandling.

I Can See We Are Going To Get Along Swimmingly!

Every time I meet new people, my eyes swell up, get scratched, and become extremely painful. This keeps happening.

I finally went to my doctor. She suggested I stop adding people to my contacts.

Swimming Bits

I hired a new pool guy. I came home, and saw that there were a bunch of computer cases at the bottom of the pool. I asked him what what up, turns out he is dyslexic. He said he was adjusting the HP level...

But can I still use my Bing Crosby pillow cases?

I've  uncovered the secret behind knowing everything there is to know in bed! Use Google Sheets!

Take two and call me in the morning...

A husband and wife needed a little help with thier intimacy, so they scheduled a session with a couple's psychiatrist. After listening to them describe their issues,  the doctor had an answer.
"I can tell you still love each other very much. What you need is a break from the ordinary.. something to spice things up.  I'm going to prescribe you Kitchen Sex."

"We need a perscriprion for Kitchen Sex?" asked the wife. "I'm pretty sure that's going to be available over-the-counter!"

Lunch issue resolved...

I had some alphabet soup for lunch that did not agree with me! I literally just got done flushing D-N-S....

Is that for gargling?

I am comparing one of my New Year's Eve jokes to my Summer's Eve joke, but it's turning out to be a wash...