I Can See We Are Going To Get Along Swimmingly!

Every time I meet new people, my eyes swell up, get scratched, and become extremely painful. This keeps happening.

I finally went to my doctor. She suggested I stop adding people to my contacts.

Swimming Bits

I hired a new pool guy. I came home, and saw that there were a bunch of computer cases at the bottom of the pool. I asked him what what up, turns out he is dyslexic. He said he was adjusting the HP level...

But can I still use my Bing Crosby pillow cases?

I've  uncovered the secret behind knowing everything there is to know in bed! Use Google Sheets!

Take two and call me in the morning...

A husband and wife needed a little help with thier intimacy, so they scheduled a session with a couple's psychiatrist. After listening to them describe their issues,  the doctor had an answer.
"I can tell you still love each other very much. What you need is a break from the ordinary.. something to spice things up.  I'm going to prescribe you Kitchen Sex."

"We need a perscriprion for Kitchen Sex?" asked the wife. "I'm pretty sure that's going to be available over-the-counter!"

Lunch issue resolved...

I had some alphabet soup for lunch that did not agree with me! I literally just got done flushing D-N-S....

Is that for gargling?

I am comparing one of my New Year's Eve jokes to my Summer's Eve joke, but it's turning out to be a wash...

0 to Pissy in 8 Seconds!

I was calmly reading a book about the history of Dodge trucks but got instantly hot when I flipped to the Ram page!

We Gotta Bleeder!

Why did Santa grow a beard? When he shaved, he got tired of the daily St. Nicks.

Rocket Flush

What do residential plumbers and rocket scientists have in common? I.C.B.M.'s.

I Promise I'll Pay You Back...

After getting stiffed for the check on her third date in a row, Susie, a teacher, was especially frustrated having to deal with yet another unfunded man date...

Peelin' Out

I participated in a race sponsored by Fruit of the Loom. My best times were recorded during the Banana Splits...

Taking candy from a baby!

This is Jenna's joke: what do you call an evil baby company? Grrrrrber!

Bargain-basement Books!

I am reading a great book all about basements. I picked it up because I saw it on the Best Cellar's list!

I can share pictures of bat poo!

A lot of school districts are now moving to and leveraging Google Apps for Education. Great stuff. I just read that a bunch of zoo's from around the nation are forming a coalition petitioning for the creation of Google Apes for Education. That's totally bananas.

Relax Tax Man!

More stories are being uncovered about the IRS.. they also apparently target massage clinics, which are notorious for owning back taxes....

Eat On The Run!

I was wandering around a local college campus this summer, and came across a 'Cannibals Anonymous' group. They were very warm and friendly towards me, even after I explained I had never been a cannibal. Apparently they really do like meating new people...

My Crunchy Queen!

Q: What's the difference between playing chess and sleeping with a crouton? A: When sleeping with a crouton, you always wind up with a stalemate.. #jdvjokes

Lamb Chop! Lamb Chop!

Friday Nite! 6:PM to Close! Lamb Chops! All Ewe Can Eat!

Startups can be hard!

At first, they didn't think Viagra was gonna make it, due to poor initial results from the soft launch... #jdvjokes

Now That's Organic!

I got distracted while gardening and wound up soiling myself! #jdvjokes

Wow That Latte Smells!

I read an article about the Dutch Brothers. Growing up, the had to share a room. So THAT'S where Dutch Ovens came from! #jdvjokes

Why the long face?

I frowning uses more muscles that smiling then excuse my while I exercise. #JDVJOKES

Gettin' Buzzed...

My buddy Ken went into this new tavern run by insects, and wound up going home with bar bee.

Bless.... you?

I got stuck on an elevator next to a huge scab that would not stop sneezing. I finally offered it some scar tissue....

Crazy Grass

I was reading this news story about a jail cell that was covered with hay. Apparently, this straw had caused a lot of trouble the previous night, so much so that it was currently being held without bale.

Making a Balloon Payment

Why do balloons only shop in mega-stores? The last thing they want to do is go into a Mom and Pop.

I'm Logging In!! I'm Logging In!!

What's the difference between CTRL-ALT-DEL and an orgasm? CTRL-ALT-DEL takes three fingers to get ON...

Random Kick

Did you hear about the all blind soccer program? So there IS no eye in team!

Sticks To Your Ribs

Got a call from the school nurse: My kid was stuck to the wall again. I told him not to wear that heavy metal shirt, it's a magnet school for crying out loud!

May I Cut In (to you)?

I waltzed with the bacon, did the tango with the T-bone, and the two-step with the porter house. Man, I love Meat Balls...

Best. Grass. Ever.

Read that it was Hug A Vegetarian Day! Drat.. none around me... I guess I'll have to go hug a grass fed cow... then eat it.

I Like It When You Talk Clean..

If I ran a dental office, I'd hire a front desk person named 'Gene'. Cause then there would be a LOT of people saying, "Hi Gene!". And I'd probably snicker.

DAMN RIGHT I CAN LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP!

And in other news: Area health officials became concerned when growing number of men started visiting their doctors, complaining having to rush out of bed to the bathroom due to urgent urination issues and being 'angry as all get-out'. Further analysis revealed all of these men had recently purchased memory foam mattresses from the local super store over the holiday weekend; leading to the condition now dubbed as 'Temper Pee Dick'.

Code Dump!

Developer: "Man! I have been coding non stop! This week, I have been doing nothing but living, breathing, and eating HTML!" Friend: "Are you peeing HTML?" Developer: "Uh, not yet?" Friend: "OK Good. Let me know if you do, I know a great URL-ologist."

It's All Relative....

Oh I get it... Mother Earth and Auntie Gravity...

Calmer code?

If your browser is freaking out from too much hypertext, navigate to ritalin.com

You're it!!

Some say there are no new ideas... Take 'hash tag'... college kids have been doing that since the 60's....

Shaken, Not Stirred

James Bond's tuxedos: That's no cummerbund, that's a Q-cummerbund...

What did you say Sonny?

Fountain of Youth jokes... they just never get old..

Dating Rocks!

A buddy of mine tried out this new Carbon Dating Service, and apparently they hooked him up with some old fossil...

Wolverine!

I just washed my lunch dishes, and now they smell like radiator fluid and pee. I guess next time I won't use the Red Dawn....

Water Bubble?

Not even Super Hero's are immune to this economy! Just today I read that Aqua Man's house is STILL underwater!

Hip Hop Wrap

When the Elves are working 24/7 leading up to Christmas, I bet they listen to wrap music to stay motivated.

Technolopee

My Grandma called, needing tech help. She was trying to print out a coupon for Depends, but was not able to. File, Print was not working. The Depends coupon printed when I had her try 'Control - P'.

Rubber stamp this one!

When Eve was created, it was the only time the term 'ribbed for your pleasure'applied to a man...

Bloatwear

After all this holiday eating, I need to upgrade my firmware to Spanx 2.0...

Gettin' Piggy With It

Oink-Aye! The last sound a pig makes before it becomes Canadian Bacon!

Munchies?

Ironically I made 'no-bake' cookies at 4:20 this afternoon.

All in!

I was really stinking it up the other night at video poker until the damn thing finally gave me a courtesy flush..

Stop! In the Name of Something...

I got invited to an ODOT Halloween party, where everyone was asked to come dressed as their favorite traffic control device. I got drunk, and blew the stop sign...

Here comes the bride!

Q: Where do grooms in Chicago buy their rings?

A: DaaaaaaBeers!

Very rough draft...

I tried writing a paper all about beer but couldn't concentrate anymore after the 6th draft....

This one is sew sew...

I was having a hard time remembering how to cross-stitch, so I went online and found a great discussion thread.

Boot Camp!

I tried this new camping workout. Man, it is totally in tents!

Oops....

SEAL died while out partying.

Apparently, his agent tried to warn him about clubbing...

Why are you so crabby?

Q: What do you call a crab who does not know his father?
A: A shellfish bastard!

7.5 Mile....

I just bought Eminem's new album but it melted in hand befor I got to my car :(.

Kick That Ringer!

I made a mobile out of cell phones for my son's crib, and was so proud of him when he made his first bootie call!

My Teacher Bites...

I signed up my dog for school and he literally became the teacher's pet....

La-hooo, Sa-her...

So I stumbled across this new antisocial networking site and saw that it could only have one member....

Workin' it!

I laid on the floor, and balanced a 6-pack on my abs for a few minutes...

Mom, Dad, Toot....

Anyone else find it a bit ironic that palindrome spelled backwards is emordnilap?

Here Fishy Fishy Fishy...

So I am gonna sign up for some how-to fishing videos. Today's lesson is baiting. The class is gonna be taught by a certified Master Baiter - apparently, he is so good at it, if you follow his techniques, you don't get the smell of fish on your hands.

Hee Haw!

Q: Why couldn't the donkey talk?

A: Someone glued his ass cheeks together!

Lazyboy 4th and 10...

So I was driving home and saw a bunch of furniture playing football. Sure enough, there was an armchair quarterback...

99.9% Up Time... In Your Pants?

"So why are you wearing two pairs of underwear?"

"Oh, I'm into high-availability and reduncancy... you know.... panty RAID."

Can you hear me now?

Computer Support Line:

"So you still don't hear any sound? OK... what color is the port that the speakers are plugged into....Blue? That's the microphone.... move it to the green port... that worked? Great! So the reason you did not have sound is because you were a jack off..."

You gonna finish that?

A couple of horses went to eat lunch. One says to the other, "Can I borrow that bag of oats? I forgot my lunch."

The other replies, "Sure... but I'd appreciate some feedback."

Hike!

The other day I saw a bunch of furniture playing football! And I am not even joking there was an arm chair quarterback....

Achooo!.com

I filmed myself getting a cold, posted it on YouTube, and it went viral...

Mathew, Mark, Luke John, Romans...

So this teen boy was at Bible Camp, and used a body spray, which got the girls all riled up. His counselor pulled him aside and told him that the spray was not appropriate for this camp. The boy responded saying, "But Sir, it's Acts..."

All hail!

Q: Look through history, why no kings named Joe?

A: How could you ever be taken seriously if you were Joe King?

Burning time...

So a Swiss watch factory burned down, and the some of the folks died. The autopsy revealed it was due to second-hand smoke....

Sleepy...?

User calling Support:
"My Mac as fallen asleep, and won't wake up."

Technician:
"Is it a Snow White...?"

Survey Says....

The makers of Viagra put out a survey to see if there was any need to develop the drug. Turns out, a lot of men responded to the quick pole....

Slurp...

Q: What's the best way to eat Alphabet soup?

A: With a U-tensil

Mow Me!

Did you hear about the dyslexic chick that kept breaking up with her boyfriends using John Dear letterhead?

Chomp!

So I am on a new tech-based diet, but I am actually gaining weight. I asked my doctor about it, she asked if I knew what term 'MegaBite' meant....

Disable What Cookie?

So I was applying for credit online, but the form would not update properly. I called support, they did some troubleshooting and said it appeared I was using the cashed version....

Infected!

My Computer is suddenly wearing nice jeans and a button-up! I guess I got infected with Mallware?

Hanging by a thread...

So a friend of mine was looking for a marionette, and I happened to have one that I did not need. He asked if there were any strings attached and I said of course not you can just have it and he said what's the point....

Mr. Ed

So I walk up to a co-worker's computer, and they have a desktop background of Mr. Ed. I said, "Is that a JPEG?"
They respond with "I think so...why?".
I say, "Cause you're not supposed to look a GIF horse in the mouth..."

No joke this time....

I’m a home grown American citizen, 53, registered Democrat all my life. Before the last presidential election I registered as a Republican because I no longer felt the Democratic Party represents my views or works to pursue issues important to me. Now I no longer feel the Republican Party represents my views or works to pursue issues important to me. The fact is I no longer feel any political party or representative in Washington represents my views or works to pursue the issues important to me. There must be someone. Please tell me who you are. Please stand up and tell me that you are there and that you’re willing to fight for our Constitution as it was written. Please stand up now. You might ask yourself what my views and issues are that I would horribly feel so disenfranchised by both major political parties. What kind of nut job am I? Will you please tell me?
Well, these are briefly my views and issues for which I seek representation:
One, illegal immigration. I want you to stop coddling illegal immigrants and secure our borders. Close the underground tunnels. Stop the violence and the trafficking in drugs and people. No amnesty, not again. Been there, done that, no resolution. P.S., I’m not a racist. This isn’t to be confused with legal immigration.
Two, the TARP bill, I want it repealed and I want no further funding supplied to it. We told you no, but you did it anyway. I want the remaining unfunded 95% repealed. Freeze, repeal.
Three: Czars, I want the circumvention of our checks and balances stopped immediately. Fire the czars. No more czars. Government officials answer to the process, not to the president. Stop trampling on our Constitution and honor it.
Four, cap and trade. The debate on global warming is not over. There is more to say.
Five, universal healthcare. I will not be rushed into another expensive decision. Don’t you dare try to pass this in the middle of the night and then go on break. Slow down!
Six, growing government control. I want states rights and sovereignty fully restored. I want less government in my life, not more. Shrink it down. Mind your own business. You have enough to take care of with your real obligations. Why don’t you start there.
Seven, ACORN. I do not want ACORN and its affiliates in charge of our 2010 census. I want them investigated. I also do not want mandatory escrow fees contributed to them every time on every real estate deal that closes. Stop the funding to ACORN and its affiliates pending impartial audits and investigations. I do not trust them with taking the census over with our taxpayer money. I don’t trust them with our taxpayer money. Face up to the allegations against them and get it resolved before taxpayers get any more involved with them. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, hello. Stop protecting your political buddies. You work for us, the people. Investigate.
Eight, redistribution of wealth. No, no, no. I work for my money. It is mine. I have always worked for people with more money than I have because they gave me jobs. That is the only redistribution of wealth that I will support. I never got a job from a poor person. Why do you want me to hate my employers? Why what do you have against shareholders making a profit?
Nine, charitable contributions. Although I never got a job from a poor person, I have helped many in need. Charity belongs in our local communities, where we know our needs best and can use our local talent and our local resources. Butt out, please. We want to do it ourselves.
Ten, corporate bailouts. Knock it off. Sink or swim like the rest of us. If there are hard times ahead, we’ll be better off just getting into it and letting the strong survive. Quick and painful. Have you ever ripped off a Band Aid? We will pull together. Great things happen in America under great hardship. Give us the chance to innovate. We cannot disappoint you more than you have disappointed us.
Eleven, transparency and accountability. How about it? No, really, how about it? Let’s have it. Let’s say we give the buzzwords a rest and have some straight honest talk. Please try please stop manipulating and trying to appease me with clever wording. I am not the idiot you obviously take me for. Stop sneaking around and meeting in back rooms making deals with your friends. It will only be a prelude to your criminal investigation. Stop hiding things from me.
Twelve, unprecedented quick spending. Stop it now.
Take a breath. Listen to the people. Let’s just slow down and get some input from some nonpoliticians on the subject. Stop making everything an emergency. Stop speed reading our bills into law. I am not an activist. I am not a community organizer. Nor am I a terrorist, a militant or a violent person. I am a parent and a grandparent. I work. I’m busy. I’m busy. I am busy, and I am tired. I thought we elected competent people to take care of the business of government so that we could work, raise our families, pay our bills, have a little recreation, complain about taxes, endure our hardships, pursue our personal goals, cut our lawn, wash our cars on the weekends and be responsible contributing members of society and teach our children to be the same all while living in the home of the free and land of the brave.
I entrusted you with upholding the Constitution. I believed in the checks and balances to keep from getting far off course. What happened? You are very far off course. Do you really think I find humor in the hiring of a speed reader to unintelligently ramble all through a bill that you signed into law without knowing what it contained? I do not. It is a mockery of the responsibility I have entrusted to you. It is a slap in the face. I am not laughing at your arrogance. Why is it that I feel as if you would not trust me to make a single decision about my own life and how I would live it but you should expect that I should trust you with the debt that you have laid on all of us and our children. We did not want the TARP bill. We said no. We would repeal it if we could. I am sure that we still cannot. There is such urgency and recklessness in all of the recent spending.
From my perspective, it seems that all of you have gone insane. I also know that I am far from alone in these feelings. Do you honestly feel that your current pursuits have merit to patriotic Americans? We want it to stop. We want to put the brakes on everything that is being rushed by us and forced upon us. We want our voice back. You have forced us to put our lives on hold to straighten out the mess that you are making. We will have to give up our vacations, our time spent with our children, any relaxation time we may have had and money we cannot afford to spend on you to bring our concerns to Washington. Our president often knows all the right buzzword is unsustainable. Well, no kidding. How many tens of thousands of dollars did the focus group cost to come up with that word? We don’t want your overpriced words. Stop treating us like we’re morons.
We want all of you to stop focusing on your reelection and do the job we want done, not the job you want done or the job your party wants done. You work for us and at this rate I guarantee you not for long because we are coming. We will be heard and we will be represented. You think we’re so busy with our lives that we will never come for you? We are the formerly silent majority, all of us who quietly work , pay taxes, obey the law, vote, save money, keep our noses to the grindstone and we are now looking up at you. You have awakened us, the patriotic spirit so strong and so powerful that it had been sleeping too long. You have pushed us too far. Our numbers are great. They may surprise you. For every one of us who will be there, there will be hundreds more that could not come. Unlike you, we have their trust. We will represent them honestly, rest assured. They will be at the polls on voting day to usher you out of office. We have canceled vacations. We will use our last few dollars saved. We will find the representation among us and a grassroots campaign will flourish. We didn’t ask for this fight. But the gloves are coming off. We do not come in violence, but we are angry. You will represent us or you will be replaced with someone who will. There are candidates among us when he will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes that you have made of our constitution.
Democrat, Republican, independent, libertarian. Understand this. We don’t care. Political parties are meaningless to us. Patriotic Americans are willing to do right by us and our Constitution and that is all that matters to us now. We are going to fire all of you who abuse power and seek more. It is not your power. It is ours and we want it back. We entrusted you with it and you abused it. You are dishonorable. You are dishonest. As Americans we are ashamed of you. You have brought shame to us. If you are not representing the wants and needs of your constituency loudly and consistently, in spite of the objections of your party, you will be fired. Did you hear? We no longer care about your political parties. You need to be loyal to us, not to them. Because we will get you fired and they will not save you. If you do or can represent me, my issues, my views, please stand up. Make your identity known. You need to make some noise about it. Speak up. I need to know who you are. If you do not speak up, you will be herded out with the rest of the sheep and we will replace the whole damn congress if need be one by one. We are coming. Are we coming for you? Who do you represent? What do you represent? Listen. Because we are coming. We the people are coming.
written by: Janet Contreras

Not sure what's up with the religious kick.....

So I do tech work on the side, and a local Catholic church needed some help with their server, and they had no one on staff to do tech support.

I headed into the office, and bread and wine were leaking out of the box. I popped the case, and the source of the leak was from the hard drive. I was puzzled, until I realized that this was indeed the Mass Storage Device...

The Lord Online...

So I was reading up about Jesus on-line and wound up finding an E-Manual.....

Locked and Cocked and Itchy....?

Q: Why did the NRA Summer Youth Camps stop using bug spray?

A: Well, we all know what happened the LAST time they told a group of kids to Off! themselves...

Modern day robbery....

I owed all this money to online retailers so I robbed Peter to Pay Pal.

Whaa whaa whaaaa....

It's funny - Charles Shultz was a millionaire, which is funny, cause on paper, he made Peanuts...

Geek Alert!

So this guy is pouring his heart out to his FTP client....
"I...I can upload and download.. I can transfer entire websites....I can.."

"Wait," said the FTP Client. "You had me at Hello."

April 18th?? Must have been a mental i mean dental dam...

Oops, heh - kinda forgot about this. Too bad you have missed out on months of really bad one's. This will hopefully make up for it..

A man in his thirty's has been going to his dentist for a while now, and is very proud of the fact that he has never had a cavity. So, he gets to be a member of the No Cavity Club, and each member has a sign up on the wall for all to see.

After his checkup (and again no cavities) he visits the wall, but his sing has been removed. He query's the front desk, and they find it in a drawer. "Sorry about that, not sure why it was taken down". It was placed back up on the wall.

Six months go by, yet another cavity-free checkup, and again his sign was missing. Again, in the drawer, apologies, the sign goes back up.

Six months later, he gets another cavity-free checkup, and again, no sign. He starts to get upset when again, the sign is in the drawer.

"For crying out loud!" he shouts. "How is any one supposed to know I am in the Cavity Free Club, if each time I come in, your entire office seems hell-bent on removing my plaque!"

From a winner at the first annual Marshmallow Chick Awards:

"...I'd like to give a shout out to me peeps...."

All rise....?

A porn star was accused of a heinous crime, and was brought to trial. The end result: She got off.

Hung jury.

Old McDonald had a farm..

Two farmers with adjoining properties had both harvested their wheat crop into large piles. Near the end of the day, a terrible wind storm blew in and scattered the wheat onto each other's property. The farmers began arguing over who's wheat was who's..
"That's my grain!" exclaimed the first farmer.
"No, that's MY grain! "shouted the second.
"No, I said that's my grain!" screamed the first.
"Alright, enough already," replied the second. "Trying to figure out what's my grain is giving me a terrible headache!"

Potato what???

So I heard Mrs. Potato Head went down on Fidel Castro.... something to do with him being a Dick Tator....

Sunday School...

(Small child to Sunday School Teacher)

...So did Jesus just turn real bunnies into chocolate???

Road kill

A guy was sitting on the side of the road with a bucket and a sign asking for road kill donations. Funny thing is, a few people stopped by an actually gave a rat's ass...

Hm....gross

So I'm at this art show, and I see this big white piece of canvas with bloody footprints and some splatter marks on it and think to myself, "Hm. Must be a period piece."

Dating at 30,000 feet

So I tried picking up on some chicks on my flight out here... that was a bad idea... turns out they ALL had baggage....

Something fishy about this one...

Two friends were finishing up a day of fishing at the river. As the boat was headed to shore, one of the friends told the other a very funny joke. The guy wound up laughing all the way to the bank.

I want to pulp you up...

Q: How can you tell if a piece of paper has been hitting the gym?

A: If its ripped!