Eggcellent

I took a bite of my omelette this morning and had a religious experience! Seemed a little strange until I looked at the egg carton and read that these eggs were pastor raised...

Going viral...

Just a few weeks ago, it was only the college kids that had to worry about getting a virus due to COED-19...

Seuss There it Is!

Soon you will be able to hear Dr. Seuss books read to you on any device by simply walking into a room and asking for it out loud. Wow, the amazing wonder behind the Internet of Things One and Things Two...

This one is pure Ear Corn

Today's joke: (Truck driver to Mr. Potato Head, the truck driver): "Mr. Potato Head, Mr. Potato Head, you got your ears on? Over."

Fit Bit

Fit Bit has partnered with Alcoholics Anonymous to create a new device. Each day you only have to reach 12 steps...

Tooth Destroyer

After getting braces, I went to the office, and there was a big bowl of Star Wars candy. Grabbing a handful, I remembered what my orthodontist said, then sadly put back the ones that were Chewey...

Pound Sand

My rental truck broke down in the Sahara Desert. My truck and I were finally rescued by some locals. Thank goodness for camel tows!

Gross...

Harvey Weinstein, Bill O'Reilly, Matt Lauer, and Charlie Rose were all sitting around the campfire, reminissing.


Their stories were touching.

My Kinda Pi

Why does the math teacher always order the 2 x 2 breakfast?

Because it is a whole sum meal....

This Joke Stinks

What's the difference between a boot camp drill sergeant and someone who never changes their underwear?

One has privates in their ranks, the other has rank in their privates....

Trash Talk

Did you hear about the garbage bag that broke because its contents were too heavy?

I guess that was a bad one-liner....

Little Billy was learning about his family genealogy. He had conjoined twins for his first cousins. They eventually had a successful separation surgery, so Billy asked if he now had a second cousin once removed?

Close Cut!

I went to one of those hair cutting shops that serves beer.. I wound up getting buzzed...

New Post

New Post

Arg Matey These Prices Are High!

Why did the captain with the pegleg always pay full retail?

Because he wasn't a whole sailor!

Help for the Homeless

The city of Portland is earmarking a one million dollar project to provide resources for the homeless.. great news! The tough part for the web presence.. should they leverage SOAP or REST?

Jacob, John and Josh agree!

I met some nice folks who just so happened to be conjoined triplets. We had a great conversation, but it was odd how they kept referring to themselves in the third person.

Buzz Kill....

Every time I steal honey I break into hives...

Dude, I'm Cooked!

Interesting tidbit about prep cooks: Both when gainfully employed, or begging for money on the street, income is derived from panhandling.

I Can See We Are Going To Get Along Swimmingly!

Every time I meet new people, my eyes swell up, get scratched, and become extremely painful. This keeps happening.

I finally went to my doctor. She suggested I stop adding people to my contacts.

Swimming Bits

I hired a new pool guy. I came home, and saw that there were a bunch of computer cases at the bottom of the pool. I asked him what what up, turns out he is dyslexic. He said he was adjusting the HP level...

But can I still use my Bing Crosby pillow cases?

I've  uncovered the secret behind knowing everything there is to know in bed! Use Google Sheets!

Take two and call me in the morning...

A husband and wife needed a little help with thier intimacy, so they scheduled a session with a couple's psychiatrist. After listening to them describe their issues,  the doctor had an answer.
"I can tell you still love each other very much. What you need is a break from the ordinary.. something to spice things up.  I'm going to prescribe you Kitchen Sex."

"We need a perscriprion for Kitchen Sex?" asked the wife. "I'm pretty sure that's going to be available over-the-counter!"

Lunch issue resolved...

I had some alphabet soup for lunch that did not agree with me! I literally just got done flushing D-N-S....

Is that for gargling?

I am comparing one of my New Year's Eve jokes to my Summer's Eve joke, but it's turning out to be a wash...

0 to Pissy in 8 Seconds!

I was calmly reading a book about the history of Dodge trucks but got instantly hot when I flipped to the Ram page!

We Gotta Bleeder!

Why did Santa grow a beard? When he shaved, he got tired of the daily St. Nicks.

Rocket Flush

What do residential plumbers and rocket scientists have in common? I.C.B.M.'s.

I Promise I'll Pay You Back...

After getting stiffed for the check on her third date in a row, Susie, a teacher, was especially frustrated having to deal with yet another unfunded man date...

Peelin' Out

I participated in a race sponsored by Fruit of the Loom. My best times were recorded during the Banana Splits...

Taking candy from a baby!

This is Jenna's joke: what do you call an evil baby company? Grrrrrber!

Bargain-basement Books!

I am reading a great book all about basements. I picked it up because I saw it on the Best Cellar's list!

I can share pictures of bat poo!

A lot of school districts are now moving to and leveraging Google Apps for Education. Great stuff. I just read that a bunch of zoo's from around the nation are forming a coalition petitioning for the creation of Google Apes for Education. That's totally bananas.

Relax Tax Man!

More stories are being uncovered about the IRS.. they also apparently target massage clinics, which are notorious for owning back taxes....

Eat On The Run!

I was wandering around a local college campus this summer, and came across a 'Cannibals Anonymous' group. They were very warm and friendly towards me, even after I explained I had never been a cannibal. Apparently they really do like meating new people...

My Crunchy Queen!

Q: What's the difference between playing chess and sleeping with a crouton? A: When sleeping with a crouton, you always wind up with a stalemate.. #jdvjokes

Lamb Chop! Lamb Chop!

Friday Nite! 6:PM to Close! Lamb Chops! All Ewe Can Eat!

Startups can be hard!

At first, they didn't think Viagra was gonna make it, due to poor initial results from the soft launch... #jdvjokes

Now That's Organic!

I got distracted while gardening and wound up soiling myself! #jdvjokes

Wow That Latte Smells!

I read an article about the Dutch Brothers. Growing up, the had to share a room. So THAT'S where Dutch Ovens came from! #jdvjokes

Why the long face?

I frowning uses more muscles that smiling then excuse my while I exercise. #JDVJOKES

Gettin' Buzzed...

My buddy Ken went into this new tavern run by insects, and wound up going home with bar bee.

Bless.... you?

I got stuck on an elevator next to a huge scab that would not stop sneezing. I finally offered it some scar tissue....

Crazy Grass

I was reading this news story about a jail cell that was covered with hay. Apparently, this straw had caused a lot of trouble the previous night, so much so that it was currently being held without bale.

Making a Balloon Payment

Why do balloons only shop in mega-stores? The last thing they want to do is go into a Mom and Pop.

I'm Logging In!! I'm Logging In!!

What's the difference between CTRL-ALT-DEL and an orgasm? CTRL-ALT-DEL takes three fingers to get ON...

Random Kick

Did you hear about the all blind soccer program? So there IS no eye in team!

Sticks To Your Ribs

Got a call from the school nurse: My kid was stuck to the wall again. I told him not to wear that heavy metal shirt, it's a magnet school for crying out loud!

May I Cut In (to you)?

I waltzed with the bacon, did the tango with the T-bone, and the two-step with the porter house. Man, I love Meat Balls...

Best. Grass. Ever.

Read that it was Hug A Vegetarian Day! Drat.. none around me... I guess I'll have to go hug a grass fed cow... then eat it.

I Like It When You Talk Clean..

If I ran a dental office, I'd hire a front desk person named 'Gene'. Cause then there would be a LOT of people saying, "Hi Gene!". And I'd probably snicker.

DAMN RIGHT I CAN LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP!

And in other news: Area health officials became concerned when growing number of men started visiting their doctors, complaining having to rush out of bed to the bathroom due to urgent urination issues and being 'angry as all get-out'. Further analysis revealed all of these men had recently purchased memory foam mattresses from the local super store over the holiday weekend; leading to the condition now dubbed as 'Temper Pee Dick'.

Code Dump!

Developer: "Man! I have been coding non stop! This week, I have been doing nothing but living, breathing, and eating HTML!" Friend: "Are you peeing HTML?" Developer: "Uh, not yet?" Friend: "OK Good. Let me know if you do, I know a great URL-ologist."

It's All Relative....

Oh I get it... Mother Earth and Auntie Gravity...

Calmer code?

If your browser is freaking out from too much hypertext, navigate to ritalin.com

You're it!!

Some say there are no new ideas... Take 'hash tag'... college kids have been doing that since the 60's....

Shaken, Not Stirred

James Bond's tuxedos: That's no cummerbund, that's a Q-cummerbund...

What did you say Sonny?

Fountain of Youth jokes... they just never get old..

Dating Rocks!

A buddy of mine tried out this new Carbon Dating Service, and apparently they hooked him up with some old fossil...

Wolverine!

I just washed my lunch dishes, and now they smell like radiator fluid and pee. I guess next time I won't use the Red Dawn....

Water Bubble?

Not even Super Hero's are immune to this economy! Just today I read that Aqua Man's house is STILL underwater!

Hip Hop Wrap

When the Elves are working 24/7 leading up to Christmas, I bet they listen to wrap music to stay motivated.

Technolopee

My Grandma called, needing tech help. She was trying to print out a coupon for Depends, but was not able to. File, Print was not working. The Depends coupon printed when I had her try 'Control - P'.

Rubber stamp this one!

When Eve was created, it was the only time the term 'ribbed for your pleasure'applied to a man...

Bloatwear

After all this holiday eating, I need to upgrade my firmware to Spanx 2.0...

Gettin' Piggy With It

Oink-Aye! The last sound a pig makes before it becomes Canadian Bacon!

Munchies?

Ironically I made 'no-bake' cookies at 4:20 this afternoon.

All in!

I was really stinking it up the other night at video poker until the damn thing finally gave me a courtesy flush..

Stop! In the Name of Something...

I got invited to an ODOT Halloween party, where everyone was asked to come dressed as their favorite traffic control device. I got drunk, and blew the stop sign...

Here comes the bride!

Q: Where do grooms in Chicago buy their rings?

A: DaaaaaaBeers!

Very rough draft...

I tried writing a paper all about beer but couldn't concentrate anymore after the 6th draft....

This one is sew sew...

I was having a hard time remembering how to cross-stitch, so I went online and found a great discussion thread.

Boot Camp!

I tried this new camping workout. Man, it is totally in tents!

Oops....

SEAL died while out partying.

Apparently, his agent tried to warn him about clubbing...

Why are you so crabby?

Q: What do you call a crab who does not know his father?
A: A shellfish bastard!

7.5 Mile....

I just bought Eminem's new album but it melted in hand befor I got to my car :(.

Kick That Ringer!

I made a mobile out of cell phones for my son's crib, and was so proud of him when he made his first bootie call!

My Teacher Bites...

I signed up my dog for school and he literally became the teacher's pet....

La-hooo, Sa-her...

So I stumbled across this new antisocial networking site and saw that it could only have one member....

Workin' it!

I laid on the floor, and balanced a 6-pack on my abs for a few minutes...

Mom, Dad, Toot....

Anyone else find it a bit ironic that palindrome spelled backwards is emordnilap?

Here Fishy Fishy Fishy...

So I am gonna sign up for some how-to fishing videos. Today's lesson is baiting. The class is gonna be taught by a certified Master Baiter - apparently, he is so good at it, if you follow his techniques, you don't get the smell of fish on your hands.

Hee Haw!

Q: Why couldn't the donkey talk?

A: Someone glued his ass cheeks together!

Lazyboy 4th and 10...

So I was driving home and saw a bunch of furniture playing football. Sure enough, there was an armchair quarterback...

99.9% Up Time... In Your Pants?

"So why are you wearing two pairs of underwear?"

"Oh, I'm into high-availability and reduncancy... you know.... panty RAID."

Can you hear me now?

Computer Support Line:

"So you still don't hear any sound? OK... what color is the port that the speakers are plugged into....Blue? That's the microphone.... move it to the green port... that worked? Great! So the reason you did not have sound is because you were a jack off..."

You gonna finish that?

A couple of horses went to eat lunch. One says to the other, "Can I borrow that bag of oats? I forgot my lunch."

The other replies, "Sure... but I'd appreciate some feedback."

Hike!

The other day I saw a bunch of furniture playing football! And I am not even joking there was an arm chair quarterback....

Achooo!.com

I filmed myself getting a cold, posted it on YouTube, and it went viral...

Mathew, Mark, Luke John, Romans...

So this teen boy was at Bible Camp, and used a body spray, which got the girls all riled up. His counselor pulled him aside and told him that the spray was not appropriate for this camp. The boy responded saying, "But Sir, it's Acts..."

All hail!

Q: Look through history, why no kings named Joe?

A: How could you ever be taken seriously if you were Joe King?

Burning time...

So a Swiss watch factory burned down, and the some of the folks died. The autopsy revealed it was due to second-hand smoke....

Sleepy...?

User calling Support:
"My Mac as fallen asleep, and won't wake up."

Technician:
"Is it a Snow White...?"

Survey Says....

The makers of Viagra put out a survey to see if there was any need to develop the drug. Turns out, a lot of men responded to the quick pole....

Slurp...

Q: What's the best way to eat Alphabet soup?

A: With a U-tensil

Mow Me!

Did you hear about the dyslexic chick that kept breaking up with her boyfriends using John Dear letterhead?

Chomp!

So I am on a new tech-based diet, but I am actually gaining weight. I asked my doctor about it, she asked if I knew what term 'MegaBite' meant....

Disable What Cookie?

So I was applying for credit online, but the form would not update properly. I called support, they did some troubleshooting and said it appeared I was using the cashed version....

Infected!

My Computer is suddenly wearing nice jeans and a button-up! I guess I got infected with Mallware?

Hanging by a thread...

So a friend of mine was looking for a marionette, and I happened to have one that I did not need. He asked if there were any strings attached and I said of course not you can just have it and he said what's the point....